What you don't see

There is a world inside me you rarely even get to see
How I hide who I really am to avoid hurting you
How I hide when I feel like screaming out in pain 
How I hide the tears I'm crying inside when you hurt me
How simple comments rip a hole in me I cannot bear 

There is a world of tears, pain and expectations
You cannot meet
I cannot meet
I cannot stop
You cannot stop

Because inside my Borderline there is no stopping it all
There is no grey area
There is no pain free zone
There is no hiding from humiliation
There is no hiding from hurting you
There is no hiding you from me
At least not in my head

Because inside my lashing out
I want you to hold me
I want you to keep me safe
I want you to love me
I want you to care

But instead I push you away
I lash out at you
I scream at you
I blame you

When all the time I want to tell you all the things about...

What you don't see.

Broken Tears

And here I lay asleep in my bed
My pillow stained and wet
The broken tears falling harder now
I walked with you
I talked with you
You held my hand 
And now the broken tears fall 
Each memory relived in the darkness
And each tear drop wets my pillow
I know you loved me
I loved you too
I know  you cared
I cared even more
And still the broken tears fall
I know you wouldn't want me doing it
But I cannot control what happens when I dream 
Because I dream of you and many others
Sometimes I see you with me, sometimes not
But each time the broken tears fall
I never forget the most important part of you being gone
There are no more goodbyes, no more I love you's.

The Pain Remains

I am drowning in my pain
Surrounded by memories
Each moment awake or asleep painfull
Thoughts of those I have lost, hurt or seemingly destroyed
At least in my mind

Painful just the same inside
My mind replaying my mistakes
Wishing I could fix it or make it stop
But, I cannot do it.

Inside

Inside my mind the music plays on.
                    Each moment of the day I want to sing out.
But the pain pushes it down inside.
                    Quieting my spirit and my soul calls aching to be me.

Perceptions

Everyday I get out of bed

And death gets up with me

Each day I eat a meal

And death eats with me

Each day I do my chores

And death does them with me

Each day I look in the mirror

And death is standing beside me

Each perception I am dealing with

And death is guiding me along

And with death my brain does follow

As I fall into the abyss

And death brings my mind along

As my health follows with it

And death puts me in a bed

Until I don't wake from slumber

And when death has taken me home

Home shall bring me peace.

Break

Break me down

Watch the tears fall

Break me down

Watch the pain in my eyes

Break me down

Watch my soul cry out

Break me down

Watch my heart break for you

Break me down

Watch me whimper in silence

Break me down

Watch my words sound hollow

Break me down

Watch me struggle to breathe

Break me down

Watch me struggle to share my love

Break me down

Watch me fall apart before your eyes

Break me down

Watch me fall apart

Break me down

Watch as I wear out inside

Break me down

Watch me rage against the dying of the light

Break me down

Watch me struggle to control my mind

Break me down

Watch me lose my mind

Break me down

Watch how I break down like a shotgun

Each piece in it's place in a case

Each shell unloaded and put away

Each moment oiled to protect me from rust

Each time you break me down I am less of me

Each time you break me down

I am just me

It's OK I know what I am

It's OK I know what I am

I know what you see

I am an animal

I am a raging beast you see

Though most of my rage is hidden

Except who know what to look for

I understand why you think what you do

Each time I peer into the mirror

I see it too

I see the dark bastard you fear

I see the strange looking person you see

I know what I look like

I see that blank stare you see

I see that creepy guy walking down the street or hallway

I know what I am

I am an animal

I am the beast wishing for relief

I am the raging bastard

Begging for quiet 

I know what you see

I know what I am

I know what you think I am

I hope someday no one will ever fear me again

I hope one day to find peace for the raging beast inside

Until that day comes

I am an animal

I am what you see.

Pain

I have a pain

They don't medication for

 

I have a pain

They don't have a therapy for

 

I have a pain

They don't have words to describe

 

I have a pain

They don't know how to heal

 

Because each time I look in a mirror

I can see it in my eyes

I can see it in the lines of my face

I can see it in my tears

I can hear it in my cries alone at night

 

Because some nights I wake to a tear soaked pillow

And cannot remember what I cried for

Other nights I can

And many of those nights bring about the pain

Those nights I relive memories again and again

Those nights I wish I never had another dream

Those nights I wish I never woke again

 

Because sometimes in those nights I serve in the Army again

Because some nights I love someone again

Because some nights I see someone I can never talk to ever again

Because some nights I wake up and immediately think aloud

 

"Why didn't you take me yet?  What the hell am I still breathing for?"

Angry at myself

Yes I am angry at myself

For pushing you away

For telling you that you don't matter to me

For not keeping my promise I warned you I couldn't keep

Yes I am angry at myself

For losing a good friend

For not being what you needed

For not trying harder to fight that urge to die

Yes I am angry at myself 

For trying to end my life

For not trying harder to care what you thought about me

For not doing what you wanted me to do

Yes I am angry at myself

For not raging at the dying of the light

For not fighting harder to win your trust again

For not earning the hand of friendship you offered me

Yes I am angry at myself

For ever thinking I could keep you around me

For ever thinking you cared enough no matter what

Yes I take some blame but what the hell do you feel now?

Anything?

Burden

People ask me why I don't ask for help

One reason

I don't want to be a burden to someone else

Who may themselves be struggling

I live alone and will probably be alone when I leave this world

But at least I won't hurt someone else on my way out

I won't be a burden as I age

I won't need someone to care for me

Because my mind is a world of ups and downs

It can be hard for someone to be in my life

Like a vampire I suck the life out of them

With each tear or overly manic day

Could you imagine caring for me like that?

No.

And so, I fail to ask for help when I'm struggling

I can't break someone else's heart like I have done in the past

I can't make a promise I can't keep

Because that day may come when I cannot go on

And when that day comes 

I don't want to tear your world apart

With one act you couldn't have stopped

No matter what you say to me

I won't be your beast of burden

I can't swallow your soul that way

What you don't see

You don't see the hours I mentally abuse myself

Even when you are standing next to me

You don't see the amount of times I remind myself of who & what I am

Even when you look at me with such distaste

You don't see how much I agree with your loathing of my existence

Even when I try to share how much I hate myself

You don't see how lonely I feel

Even when you are right next to me

You don't see how much I beat myself for past mistakes

Even decades after the event happened

You don't see how aware I am what my attitude does to our interaction

Even when I try to fend it off I cannot

You don't see how many times I wish I drowned in a river at a young age

Even though I might describe the event in full detail

You don't see how many times I failed to take my life

Even when you look at my medical file

You don't see how many times I turned that hate inward to push me over the edge

Even when you are making love to me

You don't see how I feel so empty without you

Even when I am the reason you left

You don't see me at all do you?

You don't see how hard I work to contain what's inside do you?

You don't really ever see the real me do you?

No, no you don't.

Weight

I carry the weight 

I carry it in my soul

I carry it in my spirit

I carry it in my tears

I carry the weight of the world

I carry it on my back

I carry it in my words

I carry it in my cries

I tried to let go of the weight

I tried to put it down

I tried to throw it away

I tried to push it deep

It nearly killed me somewhere deep inside

It drug me into the deep abyss

It pulled into the darkness

It drowned me in tears

So now I carry the weight

So now I write it down

So now I cry in words

So now I lay it down

Normal

I don't know what Normal feels like
I have never felt Normal in my life
I have never felt like I fit in
I have never felt what it's like to feel love
I have never felt the normal in Normal
I have never felt the familiar-ness of it
I have never felt anything but empty and hated 
I have never felt the love and kindness given to me
I have never felt anything but a hollow empty feeling

I guess that is my Normal
I guess that is my everything
I guess that is my world
I guess that is my pain
I guess that is my burden
I guess that is my abyss
I guess that is why I brand
I guess that is why I hate myself

I try to rid myself of the pain
I try to rid myself of my Normal
I try to rid myself of the memories
I try to rid myself of the heartaches
I try to rid myself of the feeling
I try to rid myself of everything

I don't know what Normal feels like
I don't know what holding you feels like
I don't know what loving you feels like
I don't know what caring for you feels like
I don't know what your Normal feels like
I don't know what you think of me feels like

I know you must hate me
I know you must loathe my very existence
I know you fear me
I know you wish I never met you
I know you wish I never cared for you
I know you wish you could forget me

I know what Normal is now
It's the pain
It's the sorrow
It's the darkness
It's the world around me
It's the possession of my life
It's the end of me

Pain

That old familiar sting
That thing that brings me life
That thing that pushes me forward
That thing that brings me back
That thing that lifts my abyss
That thing that shares my toils
That thing that eats my soul
That thing that makes me cry
That thing that makes me weep
That thing that makes me feel alive
That thing that makes me beg for death
That thing that we all share in common
That thing that makes us all the same

Rape me again

Go ahead rape me again
Tear at my soul
Remove what's left of my being
Empty what's left of me
Take it all

Go ahead rape me again
Kill my senses that much more
Remove my spirit again
Empty my need to breathe
Take it all

Go ahead rape me again
Use me up
Finish me off
Kill me dead

You took it all from me before
Aren't you strong enough to finish me off?
Come on already take what you left behind
Finish emptying me of life
If you can call what you left behind a life

Wandering

I wander through this life alone
There are no love words, no holding hands
There is no hope of making a connection

And so I keep wandering all alone
Seeking what isn't there to find
Seeking what isn't there for me

Aimlessly searching for what I want 
But maybe don't even need
My mind pushing me forward

Wandering, seeking out something 
That isn't for me.

The painful sober truth

One night, one g'dam night and it's all for naught
Two A.M. fireworks outside my bedroom window
And my Bipolar mind was awake
The night when I needed sleep and got crap
Bam Bam Bam, may seem like harmless fun to some kids
Try being in my mind when I haven't slept
Try harnessing the tornado when their was little to no rest
I dare you
I dare you to not cry in pain
I dare you to not want to hurt yourself
I dare you to not want to get even
Because the night I don't sleep
Which is so often leaves me
Dark, depressed, tired
And especially painfully sobering truth
I won't ever find peace
Until that day
When my body
Quits.

Truth Bomb

There is a hidden truth that I keep inside to hide it from the light of day.
It keeps me safe inside myself than to face the ridicule of you.
Everytime I look in the mirror I hate the face I see.
Everytime I want for something I hate the want I feel.
Everytime I hide myself for fear of you I hate me just a bit more.
I know what I am, I know what I want.
To feel safe.
To feel love.
To feel peace.
To feel free.
But I'm not am I?
I won't ever be right?
I won't ever feel love?
How would I know?
How will I be free?
How will I feel safe?
How do I stop feeling what you feel?
Why can't I give back the gift that keeps me hurting?
When do I get to be free from all it?
When do I stop feeling  your pain, your fear, your loss?
Must I really die to get rid of it?
Is there not some way I can stop it?
No.
I have been given a "Gift from God".
I must bare the pain of others.
I must carry it with me as if I am weighted.
I must take it from you if I can so you can be free.
Because I am the empath, I am the ?

I'm sorry I'm Me.

I'm sorry. I wasn't a good father. I wasn't a good friend. I wasn't a good husband. I wasn't a good son, a good brother. I have failed you all so much. Today I want to join Kimmy and for that I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to keep that away from me, from you. I fell into the abyss and my darkened eyes keep opening to everything I didn't do for you, for me, for them.  I have let you all down and in each passing moment I feel empty inside, sober and afraid.  Afraid of you, afraid of me, afraid of hurting, afraid of being hurt by you, afraid of being hurt by me.  I don't want to die, I don't want to live with the pain, I don't want to live without music, I don't want to live without you.  But you are gone, I am lost a mess deep inside my thoughts all brought about by just being me.

I won't let go

Though I can no longer see  your face when I close my eyes
Despite the fact I struggle to hold back the tears
You are leaving me behind
But I make this promise till I draw my last breath
One thing is for sure...

I won't let go.