Quiet birthdays

Here it is another year down and another year older.

It’s birthday time again let the pain begin again.

Struggle to keep it to myself.

Remembering what it was like to say, “It’s my birthday” when I was child.

So here I sit quietly, struggling along wishing it was past already.

I keep expecting to be punished by my Dad even if I admit it’s my day.

So, in the middle of party time of the year I sit quietly.

In the end, I know no pain will come but I still am afraid of my birthday.

Each one, a reminder of my failures, of my heartbreaks, of my losses.

So here comes the day when I get a year older quietly.

My Dad

My Dad tried to love me but he didn't seem to know how
My Dad tried to teach me how to fix my own car or bike
My Dad tried to reach me when I was seemingly lost in life
My Dad tried to show me how to be a good father when I failed to be
My Dad died to teach me how to die like a man

To this day I can't seem to live up to the examples set in front of me
To this day I can't teach my boys how to be men
To this day I can't show my kids how to act like a grown up
To this day I can't show the world I know how to die like a man

Someday soon I will and when that day comes I won't shed a tear
I will raise my head up high because at my last rites I will die and be buried with Honors
Which is more than how I was able to live my life thus far
And no one can take that away from me, ever.

Toothless

Lights come up on a nearly empty stage just a few instruments & microphones on stands set up.

"Ladies & Gents, presenting our opening act the cover band "Toothless" for your listening pleasure."  The crowd begins to yell out obscenities at the band as they come on-stage.  But the band keeps coming and the lead singer stops turns to his bandmates, smiles and begins to pump his right fist in the air.  The band begins to play the Lynnrd Skynnrd song "Simple Man."  The crowd begins to boo and suddenly the singer opens his mouth and begins to sing anyway, the crowd gets deafly quiet as the toothless singer makes his point clear, he can sing.

By the time he reached for fourth or fifth song in the set they are all cheering & dancing along with the band who were clearly enjoying themselves despite being a "cover band" for a bigger band.  By the last song in their set the girls were all standing next to the stage singing along with the singer, Toothless and flirting with their eyes.  He ignored it all and walked off when they were done not even stopping for a bow.

The bigger band walked on and began to play not even acknowledging "Toothless" as they passed in the side-stage area.  But that was alright with the guys as they clearly knew what they were there for, to get the people going, drinking and enjoying the show ready for the name brand band to play their new album for them.  As the band played the cover band went to the bar for a drink and suddenly were swarmed by men & women alike thanking them for playing before "these sell-outs."

Toothless was as polite as possible knowing full well that if most of the women weren't consuming alcohol he would just be another guy missing his teeth and paid no nevermind.  He drank his soda since he stopped drinking booze years ago and went on home to his wife & kids with a big smile on his toothless face.  He never took a dime from the band just asked that they make sure he could have all the soda he wanted during and after their show for free, they loved him for that.  It made their continuing to perform more possible because each could work less at other jobs and rehearse more with him during the week to get better, to learn new material, etc…

One day he was sitting at the dining room table reading the sports page and his son walked in, "hey Dad did you know you are on the internet?"  Of course, he had no idea that someone had recorded that show that night and posted it online and it was getting big hits.  And naturally they were more interested in the toothless aspect than his ability to sing that well without his teeth.  He would always joke, "No lisp, no spits, no errors."

Within weeks an agent called and wanted to meet the band for a possible recording deal but toothless wasn't interested despite his bandmates needing this big break.  "I like what we are doing now and it isn't my fault that person put us on the web for all the world to fuss over."  They begged and begged till he finally gave in only to hear, "we need to get you some teeth and then we can get started on recording your demo."  He walked out on the meeting without saying a word.

Months went by and not a show was performed as he began playing with his kids band in their garage/rehearsal studio playing the new music he didn't like that much but it allowed him to sing and no one asked him to put his teeth in.  No one ever asked him why he never wore the dentures he had or asked if he could sing with them in.  Which he couldn't do but since no one ever asked, he never spoke up. 

A year later the band "Toothless" became "Rocky & the toots" without him and signed a deal despite him being the real reason they were offered a deal in the first place.  He didn't care he restarted "Toothless" with new bandmates that included his son on bass, his daughter on lead guitar & his nephew on drums.  They did all the old covers he did with the previous band but now they played school dances, proms & wedding parties and the like.  He never was recorded again without his permission and passed away after a show during his daughters wedding with "Simple Man" playing on the radio.

Please

See me

Not the outer shell

But me

The overly-sensitive me

The introverted me

The musical me

The poet me

The Bipolar me

 

See me

Not the vision you see

But the man inside

Take time to know me

Take time to get past the pessimist

Because like so many I am a lost star

Trying to light up my dark

 

See me

The funny me

The sarcastic me

The smart ass me

The perfect comedic timing me

The bright side inside the darkness me

 

See me 

Trying to be me

Trying to be the real me

Trying to survive me

Trying to control my world me

Trying to not let the darkness consume me

 

See me

The overly apologetic me

The overly broken me

The overly caring me

The overly wanting me

The overly attached me

 

Because when you take time to see me...

Love

What a beautiful concept
I have no idea what it really means
For I have never been able to feel “True Love”
I have felt more of a love from people I barely know
Than those who supposed brought me into this world
I might be thought traitorous for those thoughts
But they are mine to bear
And with each thought I move along
With the wind blowing in my despair
Movements, motions and rambling on
In words I do declare
I know not of this thing called love
And I don’t really care.

I won't let go

Though I can no longer see  your face when I close my eyes
Despite the fact I struggle to hold back the tears
You are leaving me behind
But I make this promise till I draw my last breath
One thing is for sure...

I won't let go.

Chapters of Goodbyes

From the day we are born to the day we leave this earth
Our world is nothing but chapters of goodbyes
The pain can seem overwhelming
From losing a grandparent to our first love
From our favorite pet passing on to a friend who dies tragically
And yet, we have to keep going on even though it hurts
Because in between each chapter there is laughter along with the pain
The memories left behind make life what it is about

Goodbye in her eyes

There it is
That look in her eyes
The tears held back for my sake
The pain is written on  her face
The lies and promises to stay are gone
The truth is held in a moment before she leaves
The past is in the forefront of my soul
The tears begin to fall when she's gone
The pain begins to rip at my soul
The heartache too much
The reality bites
The Goodbye In Her Eyes

Sometimes

I know you think I’m crazy. Somedays I even think you’re right. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Sometimes have to embrace it. Sometimes I want nothing from it. I know you’d wish I had never met you.  Sometimes I wish it too. Sometimes I wish you never reached me. Sometimes I wish we never felt some kind of love. Sometimes I wish I never gave you a child.  I know you think that too. Each sometimes I pray for peace. From what I have done to you.  When those days come I have to think. What I might have been. If only for a year or two I was never touched by it.  Never whipped into a mental tornado. A room with a swirling too. Minds fights each day long. Till the worlds seems surreal. A peaceful thought.  A wonderful dream. A world that isn’t true.

I hate it

I hate it when the holidays come
Followed by movies that make my
Emotions raw and bare

Left hoping just as in
Saving Private Ryan
I did enough to honor
Their sacrifice when I
Wasn't there

I know better than to watch
But something inside me
Makes me do it

If only to remind me
How I wasn't there
When they paid the

Ultimate price
For
Freedom

Battered and Bloody

I lay here battered and bloody
Your words still scarring me
Your lyrics gashing my skin

I lay here battered and bloody
Your memories digging into my wounds
Your reminders pulling at my scabs

I lay here battered and bloody
As you come back to me again and again
As you visit me if only in my mind

And so, I lay here battered and bloody

MIke's Redemption

Mike walked down the snow covered sidewalk his breath fogging up his glasses as for once the winter winds were still seemingly to ease this walk for him.  He had made this same walk a thousand times to the same spot where his life changed forever.  The one memory that still rings in his head before he wakes up each morning.

“Hey Mike going back huh?” the local Jewelry store owner giggled as he walked past.

“Yeah, I can’t help myself.” he replied a big grin on his face.

He arrived at 200 Miller Street and stopped as he had done many times before but, this time he looked around and waited.  A car pulled up in front of him and the passenger window lowered snow falling into the car, “Oh I forgot about the snow, are you ready to go Mike?” the small framed lady sitting in the drivers seat asked him.

He didn’t respond he just got in and put on his seatbelt as he had done all the times before.  “Let’s go.” Was all he said as he pointed the driver onward as they had done all the times before.  He sat there quietly with anxiety listening to the music playing on the radio.

They pulled up and he got out, walked into the building down the hall turned right and opened the doorway marked, “Kids Zone.”  Mike took a deep breathe and entered started immediately smiling and desperately trying to hold back the tears, “Ok, who’s ready to laugh?” he stated standing in a clown’s outfit his big shoes almost tripping him up on the end of the hospital beds.

He entertained the kids for over two hours smiling all the way desperately trying to hide the desire to tear up.  With each laugh and smile from those faces his need feigned but kept a constant vigil inside Mike.  When he took his final bow and the Nurses shoved him out as they always do he left.

He walked into the men’s room where his clothes were waiting for him to change as they had been a thousand times before.  He stood looking in the mirror weeping tears messing up his clown face as it had done a thousand times before.  “You’re ok Mike.” he kept saying to himself, “You’re ok.

He cleaned up and got dressed alone in the bathroom as he had done so many times before since only one time before had anyone bothered him during this time.  It was the second time he did his act in the “Kids Zone” Dr. Lowe entered and wanted to thank him for lifting the children spirits and made one fatal error, “Mike I was just wondering why you cry afterward? I could hear you sobbing and was just wondering if you’re ok to be around the kids.”

Mike sat down on the chair and began to explain how two years before his wife and daughter were in an accident.  How they were driving down Miller Street and crashed into another car when they slid through the stop sign.  His family was ok just a few broken bones but, the small child in the other vehicle was on their way home for the Christmas holiday and was killed instantly when the vehicles collided.

“But, that doesn’t explain why you do this if your family is alright now.” The Dr replied concerned that Mike was possibly having other mental health issues.

Mike looked up at him, his eyes full of tears his lip quivering as he said only one thing, “I was driving drunk.”

Some Nights

Some nights I am afraid to close my eyes
For sometimes the dreams are worse than reality
Sometimes they remind me of those I’ve lost
Sometimes they remind me of things I will never have
Sometimes they remind me of mistakes I’ve made
Sometimes they just make me fear falling asleep
Because every once in a while they tear at my soul
Because every once in a while I make love to someone again
Because every once in a while I talk to those I miss dearly
Because every once in a while I relive a painful memory
Because some nights I have to fear to close my eyes
Because some nights I know what comes next
A darkness that swallows me whole
A darkness that engulfs my mind
A darkness that pushes people away
A darkness that keeps me empty inside
A darkness that pushes me to the edge yet again
And in that darkness I learn yet again to fear some nights

Turning Tables

I let you manipulate me
I let you control me
I let you run my life

I cannot blame you for that
I gave it to you way too willingly
Never even put up a fight for control

But I cannot afford to let you anymore
My spirit needs time to fly free before I go
I cannot bear to live with regrets anymore

I won't say I hate you for it
But I am turning the tables on it
I am taking control of my life

So before they bury me in the ground
I can proudly say I tried to live a little bit
Not much too be proud of so this is big for me

As I change the song
As I change my world
As I start turning tables.

My song, My Voice and You

My voice showing it’s age
My tone not quite what it used to be
My song a tired relic of an age gone by

But for me my song hasn’t ended yet
I repeat the same worn out lines
Because until I stop thinking of you

I won’t find the end of my song
Each note a reminder of a moment of our life together
Each time the song ends

It restarts just the same as it was the first time I heard it with you
The melody reminds me of a passionate moment we had shared
The way we looked into each other’s eyes with such love

And so here I sing aloud yet again
My raspy tone bellowing it out once more
All for a memory I cannot let go of it seems

That memory is, has been and always will be...You.

Insanity

It is an insane urge to sing
It is an insane urge to be onstage
It is an insane urge to make beautiful noise
The high is too addictive to not try to do it again

It is an insane urge to write
It is an insane urge to expel the demons
It is an insane urge to express my emotions in words
The release is so powerful the body feels lighter than before

It is an insane urge to avoid the urges
It is an insane urge to suppress the urge
It is an insane urge to hold it all inside you
The pain it can bring about is more than most can truly bear

I wished

I wished...

I could give you back what I have taken from you so freely
I could return everything being with me cost you physically and emotionally
I could promise you I don't think about that anymore but I do almost everyday, even on the good one's
I could be enlightened enough to forgive myself for ever hurting you
I could be the "normal" person you needed me to be but then again I would not have likely been the moody artist you fell in love with
I could still be with you even though I know it's not good for either of us, you have moved on and are totally happy
I could breathe life into the good memories that made us laugh, giggle and smile when we were together
I could be the Dad you always need and deserved
I could be the husband and partner that makes you happy
I could do anything but cause you anymore pain

The only thing I can do is live my life to the best of my ability and try to keep from hurting you anymore

Oh and one more thing NEVER even physically follow through on the one thing that would hurt you for the rest of your life.

Jack's final hunt (uncensored)

Jack had just turned 48 and was already beginning to feel his age as the alarm clock rang out it’s time to wake up call.  He leaned back to the empty side of the bed to help him shove his heavy set body upward and out of his bed.  “Damn.” he exclaimed as he stood up suddenly feeling dizzy yet again.  He had spent the last three months waiting for his body to finally quit pumping blood and give him the rest he felt he had earned to this point after all once she left he had pretty much given up.

The phone rings, he picks it up, “Yeah I’m up.  No.  Pick me up at the restaurant like we agreed or don’t bother showing up at all.”  He hung up.  “Damn.”  His frustrations were mounting even his friends were ignoring his requests for peace during his last few months of peace before he got his final rest.  His doc’s had given him maybe three months and he wasn’t going to give up trying to enjoy them the best he could despite everything else going wrong, “One last hunt Jack.”  He kept saying aloud to no one else but himself.  “One last hunt.”

He wasn’t supposed to be driving but that didn’t stop him from making his morning constitutional to the local donut shop for coffee among friends or at least what he had left of them.  Most had left his side when she did months before and he wasn’t about to tell anyone who didn’t need to know how little time he had left, he couldn’t risk them contacting her.  He didn’t want her coming back out of pity for him, she knew he had been sick and left anyway, that’s all that mattered to him now.

“Jack.”

“Oh shut up and pour my coffee already, you talk to much.”

“Hello Jack.” A familiar female voice was heard from the back room but he didn’t turn around.

“You are not welcome here, leave me the hell alone.” Jack snapped much to the surprise of everyone in the donut shop.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were dying, Jack?” She held back the tears though no one else in the shop could.

Jack turned around a tear running down his face, “Because you needed to leave and I didn’t want you to suffer anymore because of me.  Now you need to leave before I do.”  He spun back around hoping she would get up and go but she didn’t move.  The room became deafly quiet.

“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”  He was now screaming at the top of his lungs, his veins popping out of his neck to the top of his forehead.  Still she didn’t move but everyone else got out of his way as he did.  Without looking back Jack walked out to his truck put the key in the ignition and drove off just as the “Kid” showed up to pick him up.

Jack flipped him off as he headed for his hunting spot alone for the first time in about ten years of hunting the “kid” didn’t get to go with him at least not invited.  He pulled out behind him as he saw her walk out the door in tears headed for her car.  “Damn.  I told her not to do that.”

He drove up to the spot where they usually parked and Jack wasn’t there but his truck was running and the door was wide open.  He pulled up, parked and walked over to shut off Jack’s truck and lock it when he heard the loud bang of Jack’s shotgun go off.  He blew his whistle thinking that he must have shot a deer but there was no answer, maybe he’s still pee’d off, the kid thought so he headed out to check on Jack in the direction of the shot.

When he got there he found Jack laying flat on the ground outside the blind and he wasn’t breathing.  He had apparently shot to get the kid’s attention when his body finally gave out on him, he shot in the air hoping the kid would find him before it was too late, he didn’t.

Three Tears

Karaoke hits the first few beats and I’m already misty eyed
Thoughts run right to you without much effort these days
I think about you all the time

Lately my mind seems to rush through thoughts
That is until it comes to you
Then I can’t get it to move fast enough

To keep the tears from coming on.

I never felt your true love
For this I fill with regrets
You tried so hard to give it to me

I wore you out trying to get it
Trying to come to some sense
Of what it really feels like to be loved

And still I felt alone and empty inside.

With each of the three tears I cry
One for joy
One for pain
One for loss

The one I cry most of all is for you.

Crushed...

Sometimes I get crushed by the weight of my emotions The weight seems unbearable in my mind I am a grown man who cannot stop crying My focus vanishes and I am wandering in a daze Unsure what to do next Unable to finish what I had started Yet another project left undone All because something triggered The weight of my emotions again Leaving me crushed once more.