The Pain Remains

I am drowning in my pain
Surrounded by memories
Each moment awake or asleep painfull
Thoughts of those I have lost, hurt or seemingly destroyed
At least in my mind

Painful just the same inside
My mind replaying my mistakes
Wishing I could fix it or make it stop
But, I cannot do it.

When I die

When I die
I will be respected
I will be treated as a man

When I die
I will be honored
I will be buried with my brothers

When I die
I will not be missed
I will not be remembered

When I die
I will find peace
I will be relieved

When I die
I will no longer hurt
I will no longer hurt others

When I die
I will leave in peace
I will not cry nor morn my demise

When I die
I will not rage against the dying of the light
I will not fight to keep breathing but let it go

I won't let go

Though I can no longer see  your face when I close my eyes
Despite the fact I struggle to hold back the tears
You are leaving me behind
But I make this promise till I draw my last breath
One thing is for sure...

I won't let go.

What hurts the most

He hated the pain
He hated the memories
He hated the nightmares
He hated missing his friends

But what hurt the most was...He was still here and they were all gone.

Whiskey lullaby

She lived with the pain, the fear, the memories of death
Till the pain took her soul
She tried to drink away the pain
She tried to drink away the memories
She tried to drink away their faces
And in the end all she was left with was a Whiskey Lullaby

Freedom Hunts

Dave walked into the Old Soldier’s Home on Michigan looking his “Uncle Mike”.  He went straight to his room but he wasn’t there.  He looked in the kitchen and he wasn’t there so he checked with Dana the evening staffer.  She told him, he was in the “lounge” watching some hunting show while the others napped.

Mike had been an active hunter in his youth before entering the service but when he came home, he wasn’t himself anymore.  Something in him just gave up on much of what used to make him happy.  He walked around most of his adult life lost unsure what he wanted or where he wanted to be.  Till eventually he just got too old to do much of anything anymore and had settled into the old troopers home waiting to die.

“Hey Unk, what are you doing in here?” Dave quipped knowing what he thought the answer would be.  But when Mike looked up he had tears in his eyes, he had been watching a public television hunting show.  The show was about soldiers going hunting on a “freedom hunt.”  They both sat quiet after that watching the show till it ended, Mike again wiping tears from his eyes.

“So when are you going to apply?  I can help you fill out the paperwork if you want Uncle Mike.”  Mike didn’t answer just walked back to his room and laid on the bed whimpering till he fell asleep.  Dave sat quietly watching him sleep, looking at the pictures from his “uncle’s” past seeing his Dad in several of them.  His dad had been best friends with Mike since they were very young before going into the Army together in 1986.

After several years they got separated and Mike fell apart on his own eventually getting discharged for what the Army called an overdose attempt.  But Mike always claimed he was drunk and didn’t realize how many pills he had taken.  Nevertheless it stayed on his record and he kept his Honorable Discharge but being a “Peacetime Veteran” there wasn’t much available as far as support when he got home.

When Dave’s dad passed away in Spring of 1991,  Mike was introduced to Dave as “Uncle Mike” and remained that way forever.  But Dave knew something wasn’t right about Mike but never asked not until that day when he woke up Mike.

“Mike, tell me why you won’t apply for that hunt please?”

“Just let it go Dave, it’s not important anymore.”

“You’re almost 60 years of age and I want to see you happy once before you leave me here alone.  Since my Mom passed you are the closest thing I have to family, Mike.”

Mike rolled over and sat up facing Dave, “I can’t apply I’m not a combat veteran, now leave it alone.”

But Dave was as stubborn as Mike was and didn’t let it go instead he filed the paperwork and in the comments section he wrote down the following:

“My “Uncle” thinks he doesn’t deserve this hunting trip because he was not a combat veteran.  Most of his life after his service he hid that he was even a veteran until he lost his house when he got really sick and couldn’t pay for it anymore.  Then they took him into the Old Soldier’s Home so he wouldn’t be homeless.  I know my father, his best friend and military buddy would agree if he was still alive that Mike deserves this no matter what, he served his country doing the best he could until he made a mistake and was discharged.  Please consider him for one of your hunting trips.”

The next fall Mike got a letter in the mail from the Freedom Hunts Organization and immediately thought of Dave before opening the letter.  “That kid never listens to me.”

In the letter he was invited to join a Deer Hunt in November, all expenses paid with a guide at a nearby hunting property that was privately owned.  The owner was a Lt. Colonel (retired) from the Army.  Mike saw that and immediately threw the letter away not responding but Dana removed it from the trash when Mike was napping and passed it on to Dave on his next visit when Mike refused to see him.

On November 14th, a caravan of vehicles showed up at the Old Soldiers Home including the local Rolling Thunder group to pick up Mike.  Dana asked Mike to step outside a moment but he refused to come outside.  The colonel came in to get him, “Specialist Fourth Class Michael T. Hammer report to me immediately soldier!”  No response.

The colonel walked into the room and handed Mike a hat that said, “If you enjoy your freedom thank a Veteran.”  Mike tossed it aside.  “Get out.”

“Mike I know what happened to you and I’m sorry I made that mistake a long time ago.  I was young and listening to my superiors instead of taking care of one of my men.  Let me fix this by taking you hunting, you’ve earned it.”

“Go to hell and get away from me Colonel.  You ruined my world and refused to care if I just made a mistake along the way.  I tried to explain it to you but you didn’t hear a word I was saying.  Now get out.”

Dave walked in,  “Uncle Mike I got this for you please don’t turn it down, my dad wouldn’t want you to do this and you know it.”

“Your dad died alone because I made a stupid mistake after we got transferred to different places.  I let him down when I should have been there for him in the Gulf.  Now both of you get out.”

Just then you could hear an entire group chanting a cadence as they entered the building, it was then entire caravan of men, women and children all there to take Mike hunting.  They filed into his room surrounding him as he sat in his chair tears running down his face.  The leader of the Rolling Thunder walked in...

“I am Master Sgt. Thomas W. Turner, I served in Viet Nam and ended my illustrious career after getting shot in the buttocks in February 1991.  I am a combat veteran yes, but I am just like you.  I made a mistake that got me shot in the butt and my honorable discharge doesn’t reflect that either.  You got honorably discharged along with everyone in this room now get up and get ready to go hunting troop.”

Mike stood up and immediately his knees gave way but two brothers helped him back up.  “We got your back Mike, let’s go have some fun in the woods okay?”  Mike went and spent the entire week hunting, laughing and have a really good time with the other veterans many of whom were combat veterans and not once did he get treated like a lesser individual.  The last picture Dave received before Mike passed away was of  him standing tall with a smile on his face behind his 10 point buck that he never would have gotten without Dave.

Because you are a Hero

I know you tried so hard
To be my best friend
To be my honored brother
The one who didn’t hit me
The one who put himself in front
Not afraid to take the bullet
To keep me safe from harm
To serve with honor and pride
To treat me like your equal
Though I can never be
Because you are a Hero
You gave your life for mine
I haven’t lived up to your sacrifice
I have only wanted to be with you
To lay among my brothers
In the Garden made of stone
For each day you are gone
I have to stand alone
My memories of you
Never fade
They hurt
They make me cry
I weep for you
I want my brothers back
Standing by my side
Till we reach the end
Of the long dark roads
We walked

Failing my Band of Brothers

I did not see combat
I wasn’t there when
My brothers died.

I wasn’t there
To lay them
To rest.

Rather I was home
Trying to do what
Would honor them
The best.

I feel everyday
Through my tears
And pain
I failed.

I haven’t lived
A great life
At least
According
To me.

For my Band of Brothers
Are no longer here
To tell me what
They think of me.

Memorial Day

Come Memorial Day there will be
No mail
No school
Plenty of deep thought
Plenty of shopping sales
Plenty of barbeque
Plenty of Meals for Veterans

What there won't be is the ability to talk to my friends again.

I served my country

I didn’t squirm
I didn’t stray
I never thought
To walk away.

I took my oath
Where others stood
Many have come
To do some good.

Within each minute
Within each step
Blood, sweat & tears
Each & every rep.

And so I stay
And so I tried
To serve my nation
With Honor & Pride.

It's OK Daddy

It’s OK Daddy

I’m not afraid of the dark anymore
I am going into the dark my eyes wide open
My tears are for those who have gone before me
Not for me for I am overburdened and exhausted
Ready to go

When my time at the pearly gates comes
I will take my medicine from the only one
Whom I will allow to judge me from now on
No one and I mean no one will do that to me ever again
But him

I shall stand up proudly and proclaim my right, my choice
If I never meet you inside that will be the way it is
I shall be laid with my brothers some I knew
Many I did not know but my brothers just the same
Not the kind who beat upon me to toughen me up
Rather Daddy, they stood in front of me to lessen my pain

It’s OK Daddy
I’m not afraid anymore.

He wore Angels Wings

He wore angels wings long before he died
He carried me through Basic
When I could no longer carry myself

He protected me from harm
As if I was his little brother
He listened when I needed to vent
As if he was my personal counselor
He prayed for me
As if he was my personal minister
Even when I couldn’t pray for myself

The day he was taken home
I heard an angel cry
Weeping his name
He was my brother
With a different last name
But my brother just the same

To this day I can no longer even think of his name
Without tears from heaven falling down
For he wore angels wings long before he died.

Your suicide choice leaves me alone in the abyss

4 am, my mind is screaming aloud, my nightmares bare for the world to see
I see you, you’ve long since gone to a better peaceful world, but you are still here in my mind
It only hurts when I see you, when you reach out to me inside the darkness of my mind
My tears as real as the day I laid you to rest in the garden of stone
No matter what I do, no matter where I go, like a ghost you are there
Haunting my dreams when I least expect it

I could go months without you then suddenly there you are in my dreams
You hold me, you show me the love you always freely shared with me
I had no idea the pain you were hiding inside of you, till the day you expressed it in a silent sign of defiance

Forcing me to say goodbye before I was ready to let you go
Which is usually where my dreams take flight
The night before you left me alone
Our passions running free, our bodies entwined
Your love surrounding my empty, lonely soul one last time

If I could only let you go inside my mind
But there you are, begging me to save you from yourself
And once I hear you in my dreams my worlds collide yet again
My loss, my guilt for not realizing how I wasn’t there for you
In the way you had been there for me, again and again

And every part of you that haunts my dreams
Takes my soul to a deep darkened abyss
As if you are waiting for me somewhere
As lonely as I felt when you weren’t there
Until you surrounded me again with the love you had to share

And each moment since is like a dagger filled with guilt, shame
Every song, every memory revolves around you
I can’t outrun you no matter how hard I try
No matter what I do, I feel you waiting for me in the abyss
Trying to take me around the bend, so we can be together yet again.

Five Favors:Short Story

Jack laid on the bed in his one room apartment the feeling of cold steel in his right hand, he was thinking about things in his life.  How he had failed his parents by being a screw up, by failing his brothers in arms by being mentally unstable when they needed him most and by failing to provide for the children he probably never should have even had with his second ex.

“Dear God it just takes five things to make this right, just five thoughts or five favors or five memories to let go of.”

In his mind, those five things were five favors for others.

1. Make a will and trust for his children
2. Pay for his own funeral costs
3. Pay his respects to his brothers families when possible
4. Donate his valuables to a charity
5. Say good bye to his parents

Most of these were obvious but many wouldn’t think those things would be important to most with this frame of mind.  He wanted desperately to express how clearly he was thinking and not insane at the time of his death by suicide.  He wanted to be remember for something positive not the fact that he chose suicide over living an incomplete life.  Some things in life are harder than others for those of us who don’t understand the choice in the first place.

Jack was about to finish his favors as he picked up his cell when he remembered something, he forgot on of his brothers family members.




He dialed a number in his cell, “Hey don’t hang up its Jack.  Yeah I know I wasn’t supposed to call you anymore but I’m sober and needed to apologize for your brothers death, I should have never talked him into joining with me.  Thanks, and I know you don’t want to hear this but, I love you still Case.  Tell the kids I miss them, bye.”

With that he wiped away a tear and hung up then dialed one more number...

“Hi Dad, yeah I know it’s late I just wanted to say I can’t make it for Thanksgiving this year tell Mom I love her alright.  Hey Dad, I love you too.  No, No I’m fine just tired.  No, I just haven’t been sleeping well, yeah I am taking my meds Dad.  I’m just feeling so wound up and tired at the same time.  You take care of yourself old man, I gotta hang up so you can go back to sleep. Bye.”

Jack laid back staring at the ceiling tiles with the glow in the dark stars on them, drew one more breath and placed the gun to his head, to his chest and with a deep breath there was silence once more.

“Hey Jack you forgot me didn’t you?” A voice in the darkness called out to him.

Screaming out loud, “I gave you five favors now leave me alone to do this.”

“Have you forgotten one thing?  When have you bared the wait of my chains?  When have you prophetized my words?  Have you honored your father, mother and children for me?”

“You will not forsake my soul for this failure, I have given all I have left.  My soul is broken, tired and empty.  If you don’t let me into the heavenly gates, I will lay with my fallen brothers till the end of time.”

A child inside a man

I was born with death surrounding me

Grandpa’s I never knew who knew me

Reminders in the quiet of Grandma and me alone

Leaving a self-hatred for reminding them of their dead loves

At a young age watching my elders die

As they lay in a hospital bed given up

Suffering from the harsh reality of life’s choices

Diabetes, smoking and drinking finally catching up with them

Growing up bullied and jeered both at home and school

Not much love and support from my point of view

So much easier to remember the pain than the smiles

Constantly told how inept at everything I was in spite of obvious abilities

Wishing I would go to sleep and no longer have to live this way

Waking up to find a relative gone before they wanted to go

Nightmares that trigger the living hell I carry inside me

Guilt surrounding me for not being able to warn one of something that happened in my dreams

Guilt, alcohol drowning, hiding my inner demons from making sense

Out of fear of how I would be ostracized an outcast in a sea of green

Working alone because others were afraid I might take them with me

In a failed attempt to eliminate the pain and suffering I was dealing with

Pushed out the door for being mentally weaker than my brothers and sisters

Left home when they went to war, begging for another chance

Years later after I am old, worn and unable to try begged to come back

Reminding of my guilt once more, remembering the names from my TV

Some I knew, some I never knew my world left in shambles

Surrounded by death once more, in my mind at least

Costing me family, friends I can never forget for the kindness they once showed me

Hoping it was not out of pity but something more

For no man wants it out of pity

But out of love, respect

Even if they aren’t acting like a man

But a little boy stuck in a man’s body

For inside every man or woman there is still a small child frightened and alone in the dark.

The Christmas Soldier

From the Christmas Ledger December 25, 1967:

“Announcing the birth of boy to Jason and Amanda Walker, seven pounds fifteen ounces.  His parents called him their Christmas miracle having lost two babies before they named him John Thomas Walker after the father’s deceased father who was recently killed in Vietnam.  CSM J.T. Walker was serving in the US Army 1^st Signal Brigade having been recently reassigned due to a knee injury while serving with the 173d Airborne Brigade.  His troopers called him “The Christmas Soldier” because he too was born on Christmas Day.”

That was a day Amanda Walker would never forget but not for the reasons one might think rather it was also the day her only son left her on December 25, 1991.  He had served in the US Army like his Grandpa, his Great-Grandpa and his Dad all had before him each making their own sacrifice.  Two paid the ultimate sacrifice and one came home scarred by the things he saw having served as an Army Ranger Sgt. Jason Walker (retired) injured during a black ops mission that remains classified to date.

On December 25, 1991, Specialist J.T Walker made the ultimate sacrifice for his brethren during an ambush.  Having been severely injured he conjured up the strength to pull all four other men to safety and kill all the enemy attackers that were converging on them.  He died of his injuries at approximately 2048 on the aforementioned date surrounded by those men whom he sacrificed so much to save.

December 25, 2011 2^nd Lt. Jamie D. Holmes was hit by an IED while riding in a convoy with her driver Specialist James T. Hunter Jr who was killed instantly was injured.  When she arrived at the medical operations center she asked where the soldier was who pulled her from the burning Humvee.

“I’m sorry Lt. but no one was with you when the medics brought you in.”

“No, he was there he said he wouldn’t let go of me no matter what, he held my wound closed till I hear the medics arrive, didn’t they help him he was bleeding out too!”

They calmed her down and reported to their chain of command what she reported.  Everyone else that was debriefed from that attack all reported the same thing an injured male soldier who held onto them and protected them until help arrived.  Each describing a similar soldier with an injury to his abdomen area. His name tag read, “Walker”.

For generations there have been reports of a soldier named Walker giving aid and protection from harm on Christmas Day.  Amanda Walker still holds the entire collection the Walker family has received since JT’s Great-Grandpa had died on Christmas Day during WWI.

Letters that all said the same thing in so many words, “I owe your family a debt I can never repay for one of your own saved my life…”

I am a Disabled Veteran

I am a Disabled Veteran

Please don't look at me that way
When you ask me where I served
I want to land one on your head
Don't look at my license plate
And question my disability
All you really need to know is
My Country that I stood up for
And said my oath has said

"This Veteran is Disabled of this fact there is no contest

  For he stood at the alter and honored his friends last request

  To lay him in the meadow,  the one filled with stone

  Where their brothers lie in peace

  The ones who stood before

  To take an oath without regret

  So you can stand there free

  And judge them still without a thought

  Of the price of pain they hide inside."

Unforgivable

I broke it
Smashed it to pieces
And you forgave me

I promised, I lied
Fell into the darkness
And you stayed by my side

Then I broke the rules
And you knelt beside me
Holding my hand trying to forgive me

Now you visit me daily
Among my brothers
In the Garden Of Stone

Trying to understand
Trying to make sense of it all

Even though what I did was

Unforgivable.

PTSD, Mental Health Disorders and You

Who do you think you are?

Do you think you can just take and take from me without giving back?

Am I to just surrender to you as if you are my new God?

Should I just give in each time you return for vengeance?

What makes you the boss of me?

Who died and made you king?

You don’t get to run my life anymore

You don’t get to ruin my world as you think you know it

You don’t get to destroy me from within

I no longer fear your pain

I no longer fear your anger, your rage

I no longer cry each time you evoke a memory

I no longer worship at your throne of pain

I no longer seek vengeance in your name

You have no hold on me

Though we meet from time to time

I shall bear your scars no more

Rather I wear them without trying to hide

You are a badge I have earned in my life

I shall take you to my grave

You will take nothing more from me.