To the point of disgust and fear

I want to burn

Brand every ounce of my skin

Scar myself to disgust

Keep others from looking at me

Judging me, hating me

I loathe so much of myself

They have no idea how I see it too

And so, I want to burn every ounce of my skin

My face, hands, neck every ounce of it burnt

Tears will have lost their meaning

Pity will not be for me, ever again

Hatred and fear will keep them at bay

They won’t dare make a martyr of me

They won’t dare make me a joke any further

After all, my skin will be branded, scarred

To the point of disgust and fear.

The Pain Remains

I am drowning in my pain
Surrounded by memories
Each moment awake or asleep painfull
Thoughts of those I have lost, hurt or seemingly destroyed
At least in my mind

Painful just the same inside
My mind replaying my mistakes
Wishing I could fix it or make it stop
But, I cannot do it.

Inside

Inside my mind the music plays on.
                    Each moment of the day I want to sing out.
But the pain pushes it down inside.
                    Quieting my spirit and my soul calls aching to be me.

Please

See me

Not the outer shell

But me

The overly-sensitive me

The introverted me

The musical me

The poet me

The Bipolar me

 

See me

Not the vision you see

But the man inside

Take time to know me

Take time to get past the pessimist

Because like so many I am a lost star

Trying to light up my dark

 

See me

The funny me

The sarcastic me

The smart ass me

The perfect comedic timing me

The bright side inside the darkness me

 

See me 

Trying to be me

Trying to be the real me

Trying to survive me

Trying to control my world me

Trying to not let the darkness consume me

 

See me

The overly apologetic me

The overly broken me

The overly caring me

The overly wanting me

The overly attached me

 

Because when you take time to see me...

Perceptions

Everyday I get out of bed

And death gets up with me

Each day I eat a meal

And death eats with me

Each day I do my chores

And death does them with me

Each day I look in the mirror

And death is standing beside me

Each perception I am dealing with

And death is guiding me along

And with death my brain does follow

As I fall into the abyss

And death brings my mind along

As my health follows with it

And death puts me in a bed

Until I don't wake from slumber

And when death has taken me home

Home shall bring me peace.

Pain

I have a pain

They don't medication for

 

I have a pain

They don't have a therapy for

 

I have a pain

They don't have words to describe

 

I have a pain

They don't know how to heal

 

Because each time I look in a mirror

I can see it in my eyes

I can see it in the lines of my face

I can see it in my tears

I can hear it in my cries alone at night

 

Because some nights I wake to a tear soaked pillow

And cannot remember what I cried for

Other nights I can

And many of those nights bring about the pain

Those nights I relive memories again and again

Those nights I wish I never had another dream

Those nights I wish I never woke again

 

Because sometimes in those nights I serve in the Army again

Because some nights I love someone again

Because some nights I see someone I can never talk to ever again

Because some nights I wake up and immediately think aloud

 

"Why didn't you take me yet?  What the hell am I still breathing for?"

Burden

People ask me why I don't ask for help

One reason

I don't want to be a burden to someone else

Who may themselves be struggling

I live alone and will probably be alone when I leave this world

But at least I won't hurt someone else on my way out

I won't be a burden as I age

I won't need someone to care for me

Because my mind is a world of ups and downs

It can be hard for someone to be in my life

Like a vampire I suck the life out of them

With each tear or overly manic day

Could you imagine caring for me like that?

No.

And so, I fail to ask for help when I'm struggling

I can't break someone else's heart like I have done in the past

I can't make a promise I can't keep

Because that day may come when I cannot go on

And when that day comes 

I don't want to tear your world apart

With one act you couldn't have stopped

No matter what you say to me

I won't be your beast of burden

I can't swallow your soul that way

Hollow

Some days I feel like an empty shell of myself
People dying all around me
And yet, somehow I cheat death

People crying all around me
And yet, I can't connect emotionally
Some days it hurts that much more

Because some days I feel empty inside
A hollow form of myself
And yet, I still draw in breath and move on

All alone.

What I am, What I see

I am death.I am a reminder of what pain looks like.I am a clown everyone laughs at.I am irritating to the eyes.I am a destroyer of love.I am to some the anti-christ.I am the emotional vampire.I am the world full of crap in fat body.I am less of a man who never grew up.I am a father who never really was a father.I am a creator of pain that must share his pain.I am a devil who never made it to hell.I am trouble with a capital T.I am not what you think I am.I can never achieve anything for fear the darker side of me will destroy it all.I can never feel love because I would have to know what it felt like to be loved and I have not.I am desire and passion in a body so less desirable than a donut at morning breakfast.I don’t see what you see when you think you might want me.I see pain.I see hate.I see death.I see emotional trauma.I see suicidal hate.I see a lost soul who die alone.I see a face that was once cute and now repels.I see a broken record repeating and repeating itself till I destroy my world yet again.

I walk a lonely road

I wake up and I'm on this lonely road
It guides me to protect me and to protect others
It reminds me how lonely I truly am at times
Just to make sure I am still myself
And not some semblance of the person I used to be
Long before the lonely road took hold of my life
Long before I entered the darkened abyss
Long before I had to let my love go
To hold onto my love was to tear down someone else
That was unfair to them and to me
Because I would beat myself up for what I've done to them
Over and over again

I can only hope that when I reach the pearly gates of heaven
If there is such a thing
That God understands what I had to do
And doesn't condemn me to further pain
To pay penance for the road I had to chose for myself
To save you from me
To save what was left of my soul
To protect my broken spirit from more pain
To keep the darkened abyss at bay for as long as possible

And so I walk a lonely road
Watching those who are happy
Enjoying life as it happens
A jealousy engulfs whatever is left of me
I beg to feel that but alas on my lonely road
I don't know what it feels like
Even if it was happening to me
After all in the darkness there is nothing
But darkness

Dreams I can't forget
Dreams I want to let go of
People I can't stop seeing in pain
People I once thought I loved leaving me
In pain yet again
Till I open my eyes to the tears
Of memories I try to suppress
Again and again
So when I walk the lonely road
In my dreams
I don't
Hurt
Again.

Suicidal Hate protects you from me

Somedays when I look in the mirror all I can think of is HATE ME.  Living often in a world of suicidal hate no drug or therapy can make go away.  Knowing I can’t do the one thing that drove them away to make it stop.  No matter how dark the hole gets I am often in I can’t help put that idea in their heads.  They don’t deserve that even though I know I do.  I was born alone and will likely die alone rather than be surrounded by those whom I hate for torturing my soul.  Making fun of me, mocking my world, my loves, my needs.  So here I sit waiting on that day as the suicidal hate builds yet again from the loneliness I have to live in to protect others from me.

Crawling Inside

I'm crawling inside for my own safety

Please don't try to get inside

The darkness can be hard to bear

I can barely hang on for myself

If you get in there I can't guarantee your safety

My dark side is hard to deal with on my own

But if you crawl in there and try to  help

I could tear your world apart in a matter of moments

So when you hear me say "Hello" from the otherside

Leave it alone please for your sake and mine

Because inside that darkness it can take your light from you

After all I should know, I haven't lived a life

I have struggled through a world that often feels like it hates me

For just breathing.

Angry tears

I cry angry tears
At the rage
At the pain
At the feelings

All too often
I am lost
I feel blank
I feel empty inside

With each tear
My anger screams out
Begging for mercy
Begging for respect
Begging for the one thing
I will never feel till I am dead,

Peace.

A Deep and Darkened Soul

I am a deep and darkened soul
My words mere embers emulating from me
If I stay verbally silent I am loved and adored

When I am not I destroy that love
The foul stench of my darkened soul, emanates from my words
Each one takes more of me, leaving me empty inside

Struggling to live, to breathe in life
Till I build up the strength to try again
Only to discover how harshly darkened my soul truly is inside of me

Only to allow my burning embers
Those foul stinking words, the embers of my darkness
To get oxygen and fuel the flames of my soul, my words once more.

PTSD, Mental Health Disorders and You

Who do you think you are?

Do you think you can just take and take from me without giving back?

Am I to just surrender to you as if you are my new God?

Should I just give in each time you return for vengeance?

What makes you the boss of me?

Who died and made you king?

You don’t get to run my life anymore

You don’t get to ruin my world as you think you know it

You don’t get to destroy me from within

I no longer fear your pain

I no longer fear your anger, your rage

I no longer cry each time you evoke a memory

I no longer worship at your throne of pain

I no longer seek vengeance in your name

You have no hold on me

Though we meet from time to time

I shall bear your scars no more

Rather I wear them without trying to hide

You are a badge I have earned in my life

I shall take you to my grave

You will take nothing more from me.

Dear God in Heaven

Dear God in Heaven,

I know you don’t think it is my time to visit you but I am not asking for myself rather I am asking for others who seek peace and understanding.

They fight daily their own minds to survive, to deal with massive issues that make the strongest of us give up.  They fight not knowing why they have been given this problem only to hear your believers tell them “God is testing you.”

I know what they would like to say in response and many like myself are too strong inside to argue their point…

We are not being tested

We struggle to breath

We live in a war no one else can conceive

We long to be free from the pain of this life

We long to find peace and live away from the strife

We cannot explain our torments of pain

We cannot make you see what we feel because it’s beyond understanding

We cannot dream of you realizing the criticism’s hurt

We cannot dream of the bullying to stop

We cannot dream in a night full of peace

We cannot close our eyes without fear of reprisals

So you see God in your heavenly wisdoms, I beg of you to make it all stop, by letting science understand what makes people like me tick through my mind.  You created science to help man understand things after all, so let it understand by studying someone who’s willing to sacrifice on the altar of your being.  I will go without fear or strife because I know I have been allowed to surpass all expectations given to me.

My life was never supposed to be this long

You gave me pills and alcohol to test my resolve

You gave me tumors to see if I wanted to live

You gave me love to help me fight through it

You took love away to see how much I could bear

My chains are heavy O’ Lord, my body has been beaten upon

My world is laden with those who have learned all too well to hate

As they hide behind the cloak of your love, O’ Lord

I do not ask for your guidance, I do not ask for your revenge for their behavior

Rather I ask you of one thing, and forgive me for repeating myself to you O’ Lord

Take my being home, so others may learn from my mistakes, may learn from my diseases

Please do not let me or anyone else suffer a day longer when they do not need to O’ Lord

Please set me free.

1	I AM the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.
2	He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light.
3	Surely against me is he turned; he turneth his hand against me all the day.
4	My flesh and my skin hath he made old; he hath broken my bones.
5	He hath builded against me, and compassed me with gall and travail.
6	He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old.
7	He hath hedged me about, that I cannot get out: he hath made my chain heavy.
8	Also when I cry and shout, he shutteth out my prayer.
9	He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone, he hath made my paths crooked.
10	He was unto me as a bear lying in wait, and as a lion in secret places.
11	He hath turned aside my ways, and pulled me in pieces: he hath made me desolate.
12	He hath bent his bow, and set me as a mark for the arrow.
13	He hath caused the arrows of his quiver to enter into my reins.
14	I was a derision to all my people; and their song all the day.
15	He hath filled me with bitterness, he hath made me drunken with wormwood.
16	He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes.
17	And thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity.
18	And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the LORD:
19	Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
20	My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
21	This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
22	It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23	They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24	The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
25	The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
26	It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.