Ghosts of May

Here they come again
Their images haunting me
Like tainted images inside my mind
Each year after year
These ghosts haunt me
These memories like a death blow
These souls haunting my smiles, my tears
These rips against my own soul hollowing my body
So each year, each ghost is a memory I can't let go of
They come and they go but always they are still here
Haunting me, degrading me, demeaning me
I can't always fight it off
I can't always let it go
I can't always stop blaming myself
For not being there
For not being nicer
For not being me
I let my mind go
I let my mind ruin me
I let my mind tear me down

And with each word, each ghost in May takes just a little more of me than I care to give.

There is no Merry Holiday's

There is no Merry Holiday’s

There is no Merry Melody’s

There is just a pain I feel

There is just a drain I steal

There is not another happy day

There is not another happy way

There is nothing more to say

There is nothing more to play

For when I try, I feel the pain

For when I try, I feel the drain

My soul empty inside

Nothing left to give

Nothing left to share

To the point of disgust and fear

I want to burn

Brand every ounce of my skin

Scar myself to disgust

Keep others from looking at me

Judging me, hating me

I loathe so much of myself

They have no idea how I see it too

And so, I want to burn every ounce of my skin

My face, hands, neck every ounce of it burnt

Tears will have lost their meaning

Pity will not be for me, ever again

Hatred and fear will keep them at bay

They won’t dare make a martyr of me

They won’t dare make me a joke any further

After all, my skin will be branded, scarred

To the point of disgust and fear.

Tears in the shower

There are days I take a shower

Even when I don't really want to

Just so when I cry

You can't hear the whimpers

You can't see the tears

Because I don't know why I cry out

But I feel so much of an urge to do it

And because you won't understand that

I have to hide

I have to shower

I have to wish I could stop

I have to let the tears fall where they may

Because if I don't let it out

It will eat at me

Until I want to die

Until I want to be free

Until I want to brand, cut or scream out

Lashing out at you

The you who protects me

Makes me feel safe from harm

And so each time I seek my sanctuary

In the falling waters

My tears may fall

My whimpers go unnoticed

My crying is still unheard.