Ghosts of May

Here they come again
Their images haunting me
Like tainted images inside my mind
Each year after year
These ghosts haunt me
These memories like a death blow
These souls haunting my smiles, my tears
These rips against my own soul hollowing my body
So each year, each ghost is a memory I can't let go of
They come and they go but always they are still here
Haunting me, degrading me, demeaning me
I can't always fight it off
I can't always let it go
I can't always stop blaming myself
For not being there
For not being nicer
For not being me
I let my mind go
I let my mind ruin me
I let my mind tear me down

And with each word, each ghost in May takes just a little more of me than I care to give.

There is no Merry Holiday's

There is no Merry Holiday’s

There is no Merry Melody’s

There is just a pain I feel

There is just a drain I steal

There is not another happy day

There is not another happy way

There is nothing more to say

There is nothing more to play

For when I try, I feel the pain

For when I try, I feel the drain

My soul empty inside

Nothing left to give

Nothing left to share

To the point of disgust and fear

I want to burn

Brand every ounce of my skin

Scar myself to disgust

Keep others from looking at me

Judging me, hating me

I loathe so much of myself

They have no idea how I see it too

And so, I want to burn every ounce of my skin

My face, hands, neck every ounce of it burnt

Tears will have lost their meaning

Pity will not be for me, ever again

Hatred and fear will keep them at bay

They won’t dare make a martyr of me

They won’t dare make me a joke any further

After all, my skin will be branded, scarred

To the point of disgust and fear.

Tears in the shower

There are days I take a shower

Even when I don't really want to

Just so when I cry

You can't hear the whimpers

You can't see the tears

Because I don't know why I cry out

But I feel so much of an urge to do it

And because you won't understand that

I have to hide

I have to shower

I have to wish I could stop

I have to let the tears fall where they may

Because if I don't let it out

It will eat at me

Until I want to die

Until I want to be free

Until I want to brand, cut or scream out

Lashing out at you

The you who protects me

Makes me feel safe from harm

And so each time I seek my sanctuary

In the falling waters

My tears may fall

My whimpers go unnoticed

My crying is still unheard.

What you don't see

There is a world inside me you rarely even get to see
How I hide who I really am to avoid hurting you
How I hide when I feel like screaming out in pain 
How I hide the tears I'm crying inside when you hurt me
How simple comments rip a hole in me I cannot bear 

There is a world of tears, pain and expectations
You cannot meet
I cannot meet
I cannot stop
You cannot stop

Because inside my Borderline there is no stopping it all
There is no grey area
There is no pain free zone
There is no hiding from humiliation
There is no hiding from hurting you
There is no hiding you from me
At least not in my head

Because inside my lashing out
I want you to hold me
I want you to keep me safe
I want you to love me
I want you to care

But instead I push you away
I lash out at you
I scream at you
I blame you

When all the time I want to tell you all the things about...

What you don't see.

Broken Tears

And here I lay asleep in my bed
My pillow stained and wet
The broken tears falling harder now
I walked with you
I talked with you
You held my hand 
And now the broken tears fall 
Each memory relived in the darkness
And each tear drop wets my pillow
I know you loved me
I loved you too
I know  you cared
I cared even more
And still the broken tears fall
I know you wouldn't want me doing it
But I cannot control what happens when I dream 
Because I dream of you and many others
Sometimes I see you with me, sometimes not
But each time the broken tears fall
I never forget the most important part of you being gone
There are no more goodbyes, no more I love you's.

The Pain Remains

I am drowning in my pain
Surrounded by memories
Each moment awake or asleep painfull
Thoughts of those I have lost, hurt or seemingly destroyed
At least in my mind

Painful just the same inside
My mind replaying my mistakes
Wishing I could fix it or make it stop
But, I cannot do it.

Inside

Inside my mind the music plays on.
                    Each moment of the day I want to sing out.
But the pain pushes it down inside.
                    Quieting my spirit and my soul calls aching to be me.

Lost You

The curve of your neck

The way you put your hair behind your ear so softly

The subtle smile you make when I say your name

The way you whisper my name to calm me down

The soft gentle stroke of your fingers on my face

The way you snuggle up to me when I don't feel safe

Too bad all those things no longer happen

Because I lost you.

Love

What a beautiful concept
I have no idea what it really means
For I have never been able to feel “True Love”
I have felt more of a love from people I barely know
Than those who supposed brought me into this world
I might be thought traitorous for those thoughts
But they are mine to bear
And with each thought I move along
With the wind blowing in my despair
Movements, motions and rambling on
In words I do declare
I know not of this thing called love
And I don’t really care.

Perceptions

Everyday I get out of bed

And death gets up with me

Each day I eat a meal

And death eats with me

Each day I do my chores

And death does them with me

Each day I look in the mirror

And death is standing beside me

Each perception I am dealing with

And death is guiding me along

And with death my brain does follow

As I fall into the abyss

And death brings my mind along

As my health follows with it

And death puts me in a bed

Until I don't wake from slumber

And when death has taken me home

Home shall bring me peace.

Break

Break me down

Watch the tears fall

Break me down

Watch the pain in my eyes

Break me down

Watch my soul cry out

Break me down

Watch my heart break for you

Break me down

Watch me whimper in silence

Break me down

Watch my words sound hollow

Break me down

Watch me struggle to breathe

Break me down

Watch me struggle to share my love

Break me down

Watch me fall apart before your eyes

Break me down

Watch me fall apart

Break me down

Watch as I wear out inside

Break me down

Watch me rage against the dying of the light

Break me down

Watch me struggle to control my mind

Break me down

Watch me lose my mind

Break me down

Watch how I break down like a shotgun

Each piece in it's place in a case

Each shell unloaded and put away

Each moment oiled to protect me from rust

Each time you break me down I am less of me

Each time you break me down

I am just me

It's OK I know what I am

It's OK I know what I am

I know what you see

I am an animal

I am a raging beast you see

Though most of my rage is hidden

Except who know what to look for

I understand why you think what you do

Each time I peer into the mirror

I see it too

I see the dark bastard you fear

I see the strange looking person you see

I know what I look like

I see that blank stare you see

I see that creepy guy walking down the street or hallway

I know what I am

I am an animal

I am the beast wishing for relief

I am the raging bastard

Begging for quiet 

I know what you see

I know what I am

I know what you think I am

I hope someday no one will ever fear me again

I hope one day to find peace for the raging beast inside

Until that day comes

I am an animal

I am what you see.

Pain

I have a pain

They don't medication for

 

I have a pain

They don't have a therapy for

 

I have a pain

They don't have words to describe

 

I have a pain

They don't know how to heal

 

Because each time I look in a mirror

I can see it in my eyes

I can see it in the lines of my face

I can see it in my tears

I can hear it in my cries alone at night

 

Because some nights I wake to a tear soaked pillow

And cannot remember what I cried for

Other nights I can

And many of those nights bring about the pain

Those nights I relive memories again and again

Those nights I wish I never had another dream

Those nights I wish I never woke again

 

Because sometimes in those nights I serve in the Army again

Because some nights I love someone again

Because some nights I see someone I can never talk to ever again

Because some nights I wake up and immediately think aloud

 

"Why didn't you take me yet?  What the hell am I still breathing for?"

Angry at myself

Yes I am angry at myself

For pushing you away

For telling you that you don't matter to me

For not keeping my promise I warned you I couldn't keep

Yes I am angry at myself

For losing a good friend

For not being what you needed

For not trying harder to fight that urge to die

Yes I am angry at myself 

For trying to end my life

For not trying harder to care what you thought about me

For not doing what you wanted me to do

Yes I am angry at myself

For not raging at the dying of the light

For not fighting harder to win your trust again

For not earning the hand of friendship you offered me

Yes I am angry at myself

For ever thinking I could keep you around me

For ever thinking you cared enough no matter what

Yes I take some blame but what the hell do you feel now?

Anything?

Burden

People ask me why I don't ask for help

One reason

I don't want to be a burden to someone else

Who may themselves be struggling

I live alone and will probably be alone when I leave this world

But at least I won't hurt someone else on my way out

I won't be a burden as I age

I won't need someone to care for me

Because my mind is a world of ups and downs

It can be hard for someone to be in my life

Like a vampire I suck the life out of them

With each tear or overly manic day

Could you imagine caring for me like that?

No.

And so, I fail to ask for help when I'm struggling

I can't break someone else's heart like I have done in the past

I can't make a promise I can't keep

Because that day may come when I cannot go on

And when that day comes 

I don't want to tear your world apart

With one act you couldn't have stopped

No matter what you say to me

I won't be your beast of burden

I can't swallow your soul that way