I'm calling from the inside to the outside
I'm calling to yet again apologize
I'm calling to tell I've let you go
I'm calling to call you yet again
I'm calling from a point where I'm outside looking in
I'm calling to say I won't be calling anymore
I'm calling to help let you go
I'm calling to help me get closure
I'm calling to stop from forgetting you
I'm calling to make me feel better about how we ended
I'm calling to give me and you closure
I'm calling to convince myself I can do this
I'm calling to remind myself I need this too
I'm calling to get some sense of forgiveness for what I've done to you
I'm calling to release you from the pain I've caused you
I'm calling to prove to myself it's over
I'm calling to hear your voice
I'm calling to let the memory go
I'm calling to set me free
I'm calling to go
I'm calling to say
Hello.
Showing posts with label Manic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Manic. Show all posts
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Suicidal Hate protects you from me
Somedays when I look in the mirror all I can think of is HATE ME. Living often in a world of suicidal hate no drug or therapy can make go away. Knowing I can’t do the one thing that drove them away to make it stop. No matter how dark the hole gets I am often in I can’t help put that idea in their heads. They don’t deserve that even though I know I do. I was born alone and will likely die alone rather than be surrounded by those whom I hate for torturing my soul. Making fun of me, mocking my world, my loves, my needs. So here I sit waiting on that day as the suicidal hate builds yet again from the loneliness I have to live in to protect others from me.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
The Dark Passenger
I know you consume me
My dark passenger
And sometimes
I accept
My fate
But each time that you
Draw me in
My heart
Begins
To
Break
I hope one day
God forgives
Those times
That I
Gave
In
For when I reach
Those pearly gates
I wish to be
Absolved
Of
All
My
Sin
Monday, November 23, 2015
Flood
I am a flood of emotions
With ebbs and tides
Some are so overwhelming
I move too close to the abyss
Because with each flood
One fact still remains
No matter how much I wish it weren’t true
While I still breathe, there will be no peace
While there is no peace
I am a flood of emotions
With ebbs and tides
Inside a void alone in the universe
With ebbs and tides
Some are so overwhelming
I move too close to the abyss
Because with each flood
One fact still remains
No matter how much I wish it weren’t true
While I still breathe, there will be no peace
While there is no peace
I am a flood of emotions
With ebbs and tides
Inside a void alone in the universe
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Crawling Inside
I'm crawling inside for my own safety
Please don't try to get inside
The darkness can be hard to bear
I can barely hang on for myself
If you get in there I can't guarantee your safety
My dark side is hard to deal with on my own
But if you crawl in there and try to help
I could tear your world apart in a matter of moments
So when you hear me say "Hello" from the otherside
Leave it alone please for your sake and mine
Because inside that darkness it can take your light from you
After all I should know, I haven't lived a life
I have struggled through a world that often feels like it hates me
For just breathing.
Friday, October 30, 2015
John's Lament
A cold, windy day in December and no one wants to be here. It has been a long month. Too many paid the price for one man’s mistakes. There he is the man of the hour. Lying in his flag draped coffin. His final resting place yet to be determined.
This all started one Saturday in a place no one expected anything to happen. A small country college. Nothing ever happens there. John Damon was working the second shift as classes were about to end. He was sitting in the vehicle trying to stay awake. He didn’t.
A vehicle pulled up to the front of the campus and a man walked out of the back of the van. He was camouflaged and carrying a weapon. John didn’t see him since he was sleeping. The first shot rang out. It hit a young woman who was walking to her car.
John woke up quickly. He didn’t know what to do and panicked. Instead of using the cell phone to call the police he ran toward the shooter. He was struck in the right shoulder, he fell to the ground.
The gunman stood on his wound. “Stay down.” As he kept firing into the people scattering for their lives. John just laid there in pain and afraid for his own life. His body growing cold he passed out. When he woke up the gunman was lying next to him, dead.
A sniper’s rifle took him out from several hundred yards away. Someone else had phoned the police and soon the SWAT Team had arrived. John began weeping he couldn’t move but, he could see the first victim lying 20 yards away. The medics picked up John. “Take her first. Take her first.” John shouted desperately. “We can’t she’s already gone. We couldn’t get to her soon enough.” the medic responded.
John lay on the cart being wheeled from place to place all he could see was her face. He went through surgery to remove his bullet and repair the damage. All he saw was her face. He couldn’t get her out of his mind. That poor girl. If only he hadn’t dozed off.
Months later, John was in rehab when a man walked in. An older gentleman with a box in his hands. A tear upon his face. “Mr. Damon?” he asked. “Yes, I am.” John replied unsure of who this was. Maybe another police investigation.
“Sir, my name is David Kelly. My daughter was the first to be shot. She was only 19. We were going through her things and we found this. I thought you might want it back.” He handed John a picture. A picture of John and the girl. A tear ran down his cheek. “I’m so sorry.” John cried as he wept. “My daughter wrote of you in her diary. She said you helped her one night when we were out of town.” “Yes, she broke down. All I did was fix her car.” John said. “She said you didn’t even want to pose for the picture when she thanked you. How shy you were.” “I’m so sorry.” John wept.
Then man gave John a hug. “That’s from my wife. She wanted to thank the man who helped my daughter when no one else would stop.” Mr. Kelly quickly walked out as John lie in his bed crying softly into his pillow. “Why? Why didn’t I die too?” he kept crying out.
Months later he was back at work. Many people looked at him differently. He too was ashamed of what happened and wished he could work somewhere else. One night after work he stopped at the liquor store. He bought a bottle of whiskey to ease his pain.
He quickly drank it when he got home. Tears still running down his face. The phone rings. “Hello” he answers drunkenly. “I know what you did. You fell asleep.” the voice whispered. Before he could say how sorry he was they hung up.
For the next several months every night he got drunk and the phone rang. He could still that face in his dreams. He struggled to drink her out of his mind. Not too mention the many others who all died because he fell asleep. Why did he survive? Why was he still here? “WHY?” he would scream into the phone. No one answered.
One night he simply had enough and drank one bottle more than he should have. He wrote a long letter explaining and apologizing for what had happened. He spoke about the phone calls and how he wished he could fix what he had done. He did in a single shot.
The police responded to a shot’s fired call to his address from someone who was walking by. They bust down the door to find John lying on the floor. Blood rushing from his head. The note lying on the table next to the body.
During the investigation into his death the police discovered one thing. John’s phone never worked in the last year. He hadn’t paid the phone bill. No one knows if John was becoming crazy or if he was just dreaming it. In the closet they also found a box of clippings. The gunman was John’s son. The gun he used was John’s.
This all started one Saturday in a place no one expected anything to happen. A small country college. Nothing ever happens there. John Damon was working the second shift as classes were about to end. He was sitting in the vehicle trying to stay awake. He didn’t.
A vehicle pulled up to the front of the campus and a man walked out of the back of the van. He was camouflaged and carrying a weapon. John didn’t see him since he was sleeping. The first shot rang out. It hit a young woman who was walking to her car.
John woke up quickly. He didn’t know what to do and panicked. Instead of using the cell phone to call the police he ran toward the shooter. He was struck in the right shoulder, he fell to the ground.
The gunman stood on his wound. “Stay down.” As he kept firing into the people scattering for their lives. John just laid there in pain and afraid for his own life. His body growing cold he passed out. When he woke up the gunman was lying next to him, dead.
A sniper’s rifle took him out from several hundred yards away. Someone else had phoned the police and soon the SWAT Team had arrived. John began weeping he couldn’t move but, he could see the first victim lying 20 yards away. The medics picked up John. “Take her first. Take her first.” John shouted desperately. “We can’t she’s already gone. We couldn’t get to her soon enough.” the medic responded.
John lay on the cart being wheeled from place to place all he could see was her face. He went through surgery to remove his bullet and repair the damage. All he saw was her face. He couldn’t get her out of his mind. That poor girl. If only he hadn’t dozed off.
Months later, John was in rehab when a man walked in. An older gentleman with a box in his hands. A tear upon his face. “Mr. Damon?” he asked. “Yes, I am.” John replied unsure of who this was. Maybe another police investigation.
“Sir, my name is David Kelly. My daughter was the first to be shot. She was only 19. We were going through her things and we found this. I thought you might want it back.” He handed John a picture. A picture of John and the girl. A tear ran down his cheek. “I’m so sorry.” John cried as he wept. “My daughter wrote of you in her diary. She said you helped her one night when we were out of town.” “Yes, she broke down. All I did was fix her car.” John said. “She said you didn’t even want to pose for the picture when she thanked you. How shy you were.” “I’m so sorry.” John wept.
Then man gave John a hug. “That’s from my wife. She wanted to thank the man who helped my daughter when no one else would stop.” Mr. Kelly quickly walked out as John lie in his bed crying softly into his pillow. “Why? Why didn’t I die too?” he kept crying out.
Months later he was back at work. Many people looked at him differently. He too was ashamed of what happened and wished he could work somewhere else. One night after work he stopped at the liquor store. He bought a bottle of whiskey to ease his pain.
He quickly drank it when he got home. Tears still running down his face. The phone rings. “Hello” he answers drunkenly. “I know what you did. You fell asleep.” the voice whispered. Before he could say how sorry he was they hung up.
For the next several months every night he got drunk and the phone rang. He could still that face in his dreams. He struggled to drink her out of his mind. Not too mention the many others who all died because he fell asleep. Why did he survive? Why was he still here? “WHY?” he would scream into the phone. No one answered.
One night he simply had enough and drank one bottle more than he should have. He wrote a long letter explaining and apologizing for what had happened. He spoke about the phone calls and how he wished he could fix what he had done. He did in a single shot.
The police responded to a shot’s fired call to his address from someone who was walking by. They bust down the door to find John lying on the floor. Blood rushing from his head. The note lying on the table next to the body.
During the investigation into his death the police discovered one thing. John’s phone never worked in the last year. He hadn’t paid the phone bill. No one knows if John was becoming crazy or if he was just dreaming it. In the closet they also found a box of clippings. The gunman was John’s son. The gun he used was John’s.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Waterfalls in me
The blood thirsty stand at my feet
Waiting for a sign of weakness
A moment of lapse in judgment
When they can finally take me down
And here I stand at attention
Blood running down my face
From the tears I shed
My soul weakening
My mind fighting on
My body begs for relief
I will never quit
I will never give up
I will never give you
The satisfaction
Because
I
Am
More.
Waiting for a sign of weakness
A moment of lapse in judgment
When they can finally take me down
And here I stand at attention
Blood running down my face
From the tears I shed
My soul weakening
My mind fighting on
My body begs for relief
I will never quit
I will never give up
I will never give you
The satisfaction
Because
I
Am
More.
Toddlers in the game of life
I misstep walking along the road of life
I trip and fall over and over
But I get back up and wipe myself off
Because it was just a misstep not a failure
Sometimes in life we make mistakes that hurt ourselves
But they aren’t the end of the world
Just a misstep
Now get back up and try again
We are all basically toddlers in life
Learning how to live, how to walk this road we are on
And sooner or later we all fall down.
I trip and fall over and over
But I get back up and wipe myself off
Because it was just a misstep not a failure
Sometimes in life we make mistakes that hurt ourselves
But they aren’t the end of the world
Just a misstep
Now get back up and try again
We are all basically toddlers in life
Learning how to live, how to walk this road we are on
And sooner or later we all fall down.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Angry tears
I cry angry tears
At the rage
At the pain
At the feelings
All too often
I am lost
I feel blank
I feel empty inside
With each tear
My anger screams out
Begging for mercy
Begging for respect
Begging for the one thing
I will never feel till I am dead,
Peace.
At the rage
At the pain
At the feelings
All too often
I am lost
I feel blank
I feel empty inside
With each tear
My anger screams out
Begging for mercy
Begging for respect
Begging for the one thing
I will never feel till I am dead,
Peace.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Loaded into the chamber
Loaded into the chamber
My world in the shape of a bullet
My soul waiting to fly
My mind made up
My brothers gone
My world fell apart
I can only feel the pain
I can only wish for death
I can only hope for relief
I drink but there’s no help
At the bottom of the bottle of Jack
I sit there chambered
Waiting, hoping
Until I hear your call
That never comes
Because you made the ultimate sacrifice
So here I sit
Alone, chambered
Still waiting for my turn
That never comes
My world in the shape of a bullet
My soul waiting to fly
My mind made up
My brothers gone
My world fell apart
I can only feel the pain
I can only wish for death
I can only hope for relief
I drink but there’s no help
At the bottom of the bottle of Jack
I sit there chambered
Waiting, hoping
Until I hear your call
That never comes
Because you made the ultimate sacrifice
So here I sit
Alone, chambered
Still waiting for my turn
That never comes
Because you are a Hero
I know you tried so hard
To be my best friend
To be my honored brother
The one who didn’t hit me
The one who put himself in front
Not afraid to take the bullet
To keep me safe from harm
To serve with honor and pride
To treat me like your equal
Though I can never be
Because you are a Hero
You gave your life for mine
I haven’t lived up to your sacrifice
I have only wanted to be with you
To lay among my brothers
In the Garden made of stone
For each day you are gone
I have to stand alone
My memories of you
Never fade
They hurt
They make me cry
I weep for you
I want my brothers back
Standing by my side
Till we reach the end
Of the long dark roads
We walked
To be my best friend
To be my honored brother
The one who didn’t hit me
The one who put himself in front
Not afraid to take the bullet
To keep me safe from harm
To serve with honor and pride
To treat me like your equal
Though I can never be
Because you are a Hero
You gave your life for mine
I haven’t lived up to your sacrifice
I have only wanted to be with you
To lay among my brothers
In the Garden made of stone
For each day you are gone
I have to stand alone
My memories of you
Never fade
They hurt
They make me cry
I weep for you
I want my brothers back
Standing by my side
Till we reach the end
Of the long dark roads
We walked
Friday, April 3, 2015
Bipolar
I am a mere candle burning at both ends
Till the wax becomes morose and non-existent
I shall continue to burn though not always brightly
Nothing can truly ever extinguish my flame
Till the dying of the light appears on my horizon
Till that day comes I shall continue to burn
My wax melting away slowly till I am no more
My mind the flame of my candle
Melting away my soul, the wax of my being
The being that one day shall see an end
To the pain
To the horrors
To the world
To the light
Till the wax becomes morose and non-existent
I shall continue to burn though not always brightly
Nothing can truly ever extinguish my flame
Till the dying of the light appears on my horizon
Till that day comes I shall continue to burn
My wax melting away slowly till I am no more
My mind the flame of my candle
Melting away my soul, the wax of my being
The being that one day shall see an end
To the pain
To the horrors
To the world
To the light
Friday, December 12, 2014
Diseased
Calling me to heaven
But I turned out the light
Bring me to my freedom
But I cannot feel free
Raise me to my status
But I can no longer stand
Close my heart of darkness
But I have no sign of light
Let me go the garden
But I have no honor left
Gather up my ashes
But don't worry if you miss a few
They will join the lost souls
The unchosen few
We live just outside the light
We hope and care for you
Do not fear the shadows
We keep 'em safe for you
We are gathered in the darkness
Among all of the broken shadows
We pray and care for your peace of mind
As we hold away the demons
Inside the shadow of the night
Our disease comes to light.
But I turned out the light
Bring me to my freedom
But I cannot feel free
Raise me to my status
But I can no longer stand
Close my heart of darkness
But I have no sign of light
Let me go the garden
But I have no honor left
Gather up my ashes
But don't worry if you miss a few
They will join the lost souls
The unchosen few
We live just outside the light
We hope and care for you
Do not fear the shadows
We keep 'em safe for you
We are gathered in the darkness
Among all of the broken shadows
We pray and care for your peace of mind
As we hold away the demons
Inside the shadow of the night
Our disease comes to light.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
An emotional vampire
I am an emotional vampire
I do not try but I still am
I need your emotions
Your feelings
Your being to make me whole
I feel empty inside without it
I feel hollow but of ash
I walk this world sullen and angry without you
Staring at everyone
Seeking out a new donation
With each new day I move one step closer
Empty inside destined to give it all away
To allow my hollow soul it’s freedom from pain
To no longer seek out others to destroy
No longer being your emotional vampire
Friday, October 17, 2014
Fury
My wounds are bleeding
My scars seep yet again
My brothers lay dead
They give me medals for surviving
Call me a hero
The heroes are all dead
I am an unlucky brother
I should have gone with them
I should never breathe another breath
Never feel love again
Never feel hollow inside
My soul blackened by death
My scars seep yet again
My brothers lay dead
They give me medals for surviving
Call me a hero
The heroes are all dead
I am an unlucky brother
I should have gone with them
I should never breathe another breath
Never feel love again
Never feel hollow inside
My soul blackened by death
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
But it's always raining in my head...
I want to pay attention
I want to not fall apart
But it’s always raining in my head
You may see a smile upon my face
You may even hear a joke or two
But you have no idea the darkness inside my head
I try to tell you the truth
I try to say how I truly feel
But when I share that side of me you just walk away
I beg for love and help
I beg for you to care
But I wind up all alone inside my head
It’s always raining inside my head
I wish to forget the words I’ve said
Take back the things that scared you away
Take back the words that pushed you away
Take back the darkened light that wasn’t what you needed
from me
But it’s always raining in my head…
Sunday, August 25, 2013
What I deserve
You should not love me anymore
my mind is winning...
My heart is breaking the pain is cold...
My soul is lost forever caged...
My brain is not mine, it belongs
to some menace the bipolar and you...
I'm not placing blame the tears that I cry,
I'm setting you free...
From the pain my mask hides... Me.
my mind is winning...
My heart is breaking the pain is cold...
My soul is lost forever caged...
My brain is not mine, it belongs
to some menace the bipolar and you...
I'm not placing blame the tears that I cry,
I'm setting you free...
From the pain my mask hides... Me.
Manic
So many thoughts, so many equations
molecular functions, mathematic calculations.
My mind moves so quickly
my cycles are hastening.
How fast can I move
my heartbeat is racing.
My mind needs a function
to stop the fast pacing.
Which class do I take
Which homework do I place in.
molecular functions, mathematic calculations.
My mind moves so quickly
my cycles are hastening.
How fast can I move
my heartbeat is racing.
My mind needs a function
to stop the fast pacing.
Which class do I take
Which homework do I place in.
Too many
Too many throughts not enough paper
Too little time for me to unwind
My heart begins beating
My mind begins racing
faster and faster
My pace keeps chasing
this world I am after.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
As I watch
As I sit watching movies tears in my eyes.
The thoughts are succeeding to draining my lives.
I've run out of time my heart has stopped beating.
The pain in my soul is lost on the fleeting.
The faintest of hearts we have hurt in our life.
Too many throughts so little time.
The thoughts are succeeding to draining my lives.
I've run out of time my heart has stopped beating.
The pain in my soul is lost on the fleeting.
The faintest of hearts we have hurt in our life.
Too many throughts so little time.
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