A child inside a man

I was born with death surrounding me

Grandpa’s I never knew who knew me

Reminders in the quiet of Grandma and me alone

Leaving a self-hatred for reminding them of their dead loves

At a young age watching my elders die

As they lay in a hospital bed given up

Suffering from the harsh reality of life’s choices

Diabetes, smoking and drinking finally catching up with them

Growing up bullied and jeered both at home and school

Not much love and support from my point of view

So much easier to remember the pain than the smiles

Constantly told how inept at everything I was in spite of obvious abilities

Wishing I would go to sleep and no longer have to live this way

Waking up to find a relative gone before they wanted to go

Nightmares that trigger the living hell I carry inside me

Guilt surrounding me for not being able to warn one of something that happened in my dreams

Guilt, alcohol drowning, hiding my inner demons from making sense

Out of fear of how I would be ostracized an outcast in a sea of green

Working alone because others were afraid I might take them with me

In a failed attempt to eliminate the pain and suffering I was dealing with

Pushed out the door for being mentally weaker than my brothers and sisters

Left home when they went to war, begging for another chance

Years later after I am old, worn and unable to try begged to come back

Reminding of my guilt once more, remembering the names from my TV

Some I knew, some I never knew my world left in shambles

Surrounded by death once more, in my mind at least

Costing me family, friends I can never forget for the kindness they once showed me

Hoping it was not out of pity but something more

For no man wants it out of pity

But out of love, respect

Even if they aren’t acting like a man

But a little boy stuck in a man’s body

For inside every man or woman there is still a small child frightened and alone in the dark.