What you don't see

You don't see the hours I mentally abuse myself

Even when you are standing next to me

You don't see the amount of times I remind myself of who & what I am

Even when you look at me with such distaste

You don't see how much I agree with your loathing of my existence

Even when I try to share how much I hate myself

You don't see how lonely I feel

Even when you are right next to me

You don't see how much I beat myself for past mistakes

Even decades after the event happened

You don't see how aware I am what my attitude does to our interaction

Even when I try to fend it off I cannot

You don't see how many times I wish I drowned in a river at a young age

Even though I might describe the event in full detail

You don't see how many times I failed to take my life

Even when you look at my medical file

You don't see how many times I turned that hate inward to push me over the edge

Even when you are making love to me

You don't see how I feel so empty without you

Even when I am the reason you left

You don't see me at all do you?

You don't see how hard I work to contain what's inside do you?

You don't really ever see the real me do you?

No, no you don't.