An Empty Vessel

After all these years I still miss you
I still wish I could at the very least
Say to you, I'm sorry.

But is that enough for how I treated you
Just months before your death
How I couldn't even stop and talk to you.

I was beginning to shut down
To become so angry inside
My mind was a jumbled mess with no explanation.

And yet that's no excuse
I stood at your grave with such guilt on my back
I just wanted to crawl inside with you and let them bury us both.

It should have been me
I know it sounds selfish
You were dealing with your own pain.

But I needed it to be me
Not you because I felt so compelled to it
As if my life actually depended on my demise.

And the nightmares were only emphasizing that for me
All the while it turned out to be you
You were relieved of your pain.

And after all these years I still miss you
I still want to take your place
Some days more than others but still I cannot say I'm sorry enough.

To anyone it seems
I feel like just knowing me
Could cost someone their life as if I am death come to fruition.

Could I not bare the pain alone
Take it on till my body expels me from my mortal coil
Release others from their pain without costing them their lives.

I only wish you could ask God for me
Figure out why I am here still
Why I take on the pain and still live on.

Am I to take on the pain
Of a false prophet
Attempting poorly to speak for those in pain.

Am I to bare the chains alone forever
As some kind of penance for what I have cost others
Dragging me down into the depths of the abyss alone.

These questions go unanswered by God, by you
I am so tortured here on this Earth
I want to lay at your grave to die.

Knowing that I will likely die alone
Never really knowing love of others
Never feeling the compassion of others for my pain.

An empty vessel waiting for the soul to expire.