What I did I did for you

My sacrifices were to protect you from me
My missing you growing up everyday
My wondering if you missed me too
My not being there for major milestones in your life
My not being the parent you deserved me to be
My being unable to give you everything you wanted
My being unable to show you how much I loved you everyday of your life
My forcing myself to live in a world I cannot bare to live in
My choosing life over hurting you all

All the smallest of sacrifices  you never saw and will likely never know about
All the times I had to hear how awful of a parent I had become in your eyes
Eyes tainted by half truths from those around you
All the times I wanted to stop you from hearing those things but couldn’t
All the times I wished I had never left but knowing it was better for you
All the times you never saw me having a mental meltdown
All the times you never saw me struggling to want to live for you
All the times you never heard the painfully suicidal words I would utter
All the times I fought my internal rage at disappointing you
All the times I sat in my car crying only a mile from where you live after a visit
All the supervised visits I had to go through to just be with you, kiss you, tell you...

I love you.