I live in fear

I live in fear

Constantly vigilant

Worried of being attacked

Not just physically but mentally as well

 

A gut wrenching fear

It grows out of years of lessons

Lessons of bullies with no safe place to go

It comes in waves but it feels constant and never-ending

 

I keep my head down in public

Afraid to make eye contact to avoid attacks

The fear drives the irrational to believe if I do not make eye contact

They will leave me alone but in reality, I do not need eye contact to provoke it

 

I live in fear the eyes will shed tears out of misunderstandings

The slightest thing can be taken as disrespect not just by them but also by me

Years of this happening has left me angry and yet ever vigilant in an attempt

To avoid the attacks that follow my response to the slight but that never does it

 

I fear I wear a cloak

A shroud that says has come get me

A world that invites attacks from inside me

They can see and smell my fear that drives me

Inside myself again and again all so I can hide myself

 

I fear a death that will not come

I will live too long, too painfully

As I take on others pains internally

My body becomes unstable from within

 

I fear my mind

I fear it will let me down

I fear it will let my family down

I fear it will let my friends down

I fear it will lessen my resolve to keep on

I fear it will no longer fight to breath as I tire

I fear it will tell my enemies it is time to push harder

 

To weaken my resolve

To heighten my fears

To break down my defenses

To tear at my flesh and blood

To destroy my soul from within

 

All from a fear that I cannot ignore.