Brian's Dream

Brian was a small boy the first time he almost lost his life at the age of 5 he nearly drowned.  He was playing by the river with his father who had already warned him about falling in.  Brian barely got a "no I'm not" out of his mouth when his father heard a splash.

 

His father turned and Brian was gone the stick he was playing with wasn't even there.  He looked into the fast flowing cold, fall river and saw a little hand sticking up out of the water it was bobbing up and down and he couldn't see Brian.  Occasionally his little head would pop out of the water as he hollered at Brian to hold up his hands he jumped in to catch Brian before the river swept him down to the falls a quarter mile away.

 

He barely grabbed Brian by the arm as he began to go under struggling against the current to pull himself and Brian out of the water.  Brian was barely breathing at first the cold had seemed to take his breathe away from him.  He carried Brian into the trailer at the small campground they were staying at like they did each year in the fall.

 

Brian's mom helped to get his clothes off and put him under all the blankets they could find as he was turning blue but, at least he was breathing more normal.  Brian's dad got undressed then into dry clothes and then dressed Brian getting under the blankets with him to keep him warm.  Brian felt so safe for the first time in his little life as his dad held him so close showing him the first signs of truly loving him not making him feel as if he was the mistake they never planned for.

 

Brian slept for hours with his dad's arms wrapped about him occasionally kissing the top of Brian's head.  Brian was dreaming pleasantly but, within hours his mom and siblings had returned from town where they washed and dried the wet clothes and things were back to normal.  He was suddenly back to being the brunt of jokes, verbal tongue lashings and the dirty looks from his dad.  His heart was broken again that night when he went to bed he prayed silently that god would let him go in his sleep.

 

A few years later Brian was camping with his family again and this time it was summer and he was playing on a beach where fisherman were fishing.  He was running like most young boys do with little regard to what is buried below the sand only to step and impale into his foot a fishing lure.  He screamed out in pain tears run down his cheeks as his dad says to him, "Why didn't you watch where you were walking?"  That night Brian prayed yet again for his life to be over.

 

When Brian was in his early teens'  as most teenagers who never seemed to fit in he had become very moody.  He had been accused of using drugs by his father, was being beaten on almost daily by his older brother who was often just told, "If you don't stop that one day he is going to be bigger and do it to you." That never made his brother stop hitting him or his dad to stop blaming him for each simple mistake that never was really intentionally his fault. 

 

One day his brother told him if he was that miserable he should kill himself.  Brian responded with, "I have thought about it." The surprised look on his brother was a surprise to Brian who thought his family would probably be better off if he was gone anyway.  "Don't you ever say that again." his brother snapped at him before punching him again.  That night Brian prayed for his life to stop.

 Brian joined the military shortly after his miserable high school years where he constantly felt more like a burden than a gift to his parents.  He often wondered how they would be happy with him gone into the military.  Brian had his own ideas as to why he joined in the first place telling one friend, "I hope I see combat at least then my dad would be truly proud of me and I would be dead."  His friend didn't know what to say to him he was so shocked at the notion of this.

 

Brian struggled through basic, in advanced training he began to have issues with his mind seeming to trick him into thinking he could do anything.  All the while he wanted to stop breathing, stop living, stop being a burden to those around him.  He had trouble marching as his feet would swell and his arthritis would ache causing him great pain but, he would never quit.  Not since basic when he was drug back by his brothers and his Drill Sergeant told him to never embarrass him by quitting again.

 

With each week his mind was drifting in and out of reality wanting to stop thinking, stop living.  Everyone had always told him everyone could get laid in the service and yet another area where he seemed to be failing.  Women didn't seem to have any interest in him, he was being made fun of for the way he looked even by his fellow soldiers.

 

Brian had made it through training and got to his first duty station where shortly after was put on funeral detail.  This only brought his dreams to the forefront as he watched the funerals of what he saw as the luckiest people in the world.  They were being treated with honor and respect, no one was mocking them.  He served them proudly but, it was taking its toll on what was left of his sanity.

 

One night late when he wasn't drunk from the late night binge drinking with the rest of the crew on funeral detail in the hotel bar he was sleeping and awoke to a nightmare.  He called home and woke up his mom, "If I die under a Semi please make sure they bring my body home." was all he kept saying and she promised they would.  Three days later he kept trying to reach home to check in and tell his mom he was feeling better but there was no answer.

 

He finally called his Grandma's house to check and see if she had seen his parents'.  His mom answered the phone and told him what had happened, "Your cousin was driving south of town and drove under a Semi flipping over killing her instantly."  With that his mind was racing, why wasn't him? Could he have warned her?  How was he going to get home?

 

Several days later after assistance from the Red Cross Brian was home and standing over his cousins' coffin.  His dress greens, his patent leather shoes, tears on his cheeks he wouldn't leave her side.  They had to drag him away so the crew could place her body into the ground, "It should have been me." was all he kept saying.

 

Within weeks he was back at work, his mind on avoiding going home and his tour was almost up.  The military was pushing him to re-up early to get the best deals.  He was not sure so he asked an old Master Sergeant who worked in HQ.  "How did you know you wanted to stay?" was all he asked barely noticing the answer from the old sage.  He already knew what he had to do to avoid returning home and facing the bad dreams at home.

 Within two weeks he was standing in the Colonels' office getting discharged to re-enlist for another 3 years and a trip to Europe.  He gladly took the oath as at least it kept him from going home and facing the furtherance of the nightmares that were now frequently entering his mind.   Waking up night after night with him going under the Semi.

 

Months later and he was in Germany stationed, working well and getting back into the flow when suddenly he had another set back.  Brian was inebriated one night when the dream hit him while he was awake.  Suddenly he was in his room with the bottle of pills in his hand and wanting desperately to end the nightmares.  He was beginning to get his wish when his room-mate found him lying in his own vomit with the pills all around him.

 

When Brian woke up he was lying in a hospital bed with one of his co-workers sitting next to him.  The doctor told him the MP's didn't have enough people to watch him so they were forced to use his co-workers to make sure he was not trying to harm himself again.  Each time Brian turned around he saw one of the people he would have to work with looking at him in fear and pity.  He spent many of his time awake with his face toward the wall sobbing uncontrollably due to each time he turned the other way there was a co-worker.

 

When they let him out of the hospital they had taken his clearance and no one wanted to be near him or work with him.  He immediately wanted to die again.  But, this took a little longer before he began to plot his next attempt.  Within two months Brian was again lying in the hospital of an overdose of pills and lots of Jack.  He was strapped down to the bed with several tubes sticking out of him.

 

The doctors offered him a happy divorce which he gladly accepted and was sent home to live out the rest of his life that he hated anyway.  He now had to face his family, his father and the shame of how he couldn't hack it even in the military.  He felt as such a failure for not being able to do what so many of his brothers in arms were capable of.

 

Brian used his college fund and began to attend college shortly after being discharged from the service and was working nights trying to make amends to his dad who was clearly not hiding his disappointment in him.  Yet another thing for his Dad to hate him for in his life one more strike to the boy who didn't seem to belong.

 

Within months he was drinking again, wishing he was not living and wondering how he was ever not going to feel like a loser.  Then he met her, the pretty eyed brunette who would turn his world upside down and make him feel invincible.  They dated for several years and then he had another break down where she was told by her parents to stay away from him.

 

If only she had paid any attention to the warning instead she kept sneaking around behind them seeing him on the side.  She would show up at his apartment after not hearing from her for months hoping that she would show up only to wind up wishing she never came near him in the first place.  His heart was broken and could not mend itself for each time he began to get better there she was again stabbing him in the heart again, opening old wounds.

 A few months later he succumb again to the desire to stop his life only to wind up in the nearby state psych hospital for an extended stay under court order.  He hated being caged and after a while would do anything to comply for a chance to get out of the hell hole he put himself into.  He swore he would never wind up back in there if he could help himself, or in spite of himself.

 

He had married shortly after the hospital stay to a woman he only knew for several months before despite all the warning signals going off in his own mind.  Not too mention the family and friends warning him to avoid doing it for a while longer at least.  But, each time he looked at her he saw the brunette he fell in love with and was desperately trying to replace.

 

His wife within 15 months wanted out but, stayed for the sake his of his sanity only to wind up making him more crazy.  Brian could feel the pain inside her and kept begging for her to leave if she was going to.  Then the worst thing in his mind could have happened he began to lose weight rapidly within several months he had lost about 80 pounds.  His wife had to make him go the doctor who sent him almost immediately to have a Colonoscopy where he was diagnosed with Dysplasia of the colon which which were almost Type A cancer  based upon the biopsy. 

 

Of course this was devastating to the man who finally had begun to want to live as long as his wife wanted to stay by his side.  She was beginning to think about not leaving but, he could still feel her longing to be elsewhere than by his side.  She stayed with him through the entire ordeal, the surgeries, the tests, the raging lunatic who was unable for months to eat solid food due to other surgeries that had taken place.

 

She finally walked out when he announced at the first signs of issues re arising within his body that he was not going to go through it anymore.  "I am tired and I don't think its worth it anymore." She took this to mean that he didn't think she was worth it after she stood by him throughout the entire thing.  Within months she was gone one day he went to a doctors appointment when he returned home, she was gone and so was most of the property in the house.